Men are not the providers anymore

A true story about coming to this realization.

*DISCLAIMER*: EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION BASED OFF EXPERIENCES; THIS IS MINE. <3

I’ve spent the last twelve years of my life in relationships I once thought would last forever. Chasing a happily ever after idea that’s currently, and temporarily nonexistent. The idea that I will one day find a real man to love. A man ready to willingly love me, be loved, lead, protect and provide. That I too, one day, will have the things we grew up watching on TV. A family and a house.

My Wife and Kids. Everybody Hates Chris. Everybody Loves Raymond. That 70’s Show. King of Queens. Full House. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. The Brady Bunch. House of Payne. Meet the Browns.

There’s so many more great shows that portray a “perfect family and house.” Everyone has their own definition of perfect. It doesn’t mean we have to do the exact same things we see on TV. We just have to be aware and willing to do the right thing. Have the right mindset. Have morals.

It almost feels contradictory because I remember a lot of people telling me when I was young, to stop trying to grow up so fast. That was because as mentioned in my “The Girl and The Woman” post, I started having sex and dating real young. But my parents were also having sex young. My grandparents and their parents were having sex probably younger than me. We had kings and queens ruling empires with children at fourteen years old back then. I was a lost and lonely young girl getting into trouble or having too much fun all throughout the streets of New York. I should have kept my mind in the books and on the money. I should have saved every dollar I made so that I can be comfortable NOW. The boys and the men I dated back then and now should’ve been doing the same. It’s weird because if I didn’t make any of those mistakes, or lived the life that I did, I wouldn’t have learned the things I am writing about. If I listened to my mom when she gave me advice too late, I wouldn’t need a man to provide for me. I would have my own house. Saving my money and studying a lot is the only kind of “growing up” I should have been doing. Which is why it feels a bit contradictory because this whole post is about men not being the providers anymore and not following traditions. So which middle school or high school boyfriend would I have ended up with right now if we did follow traditions? That means I would’ve had to have sex at the age that I was having sex because that’s how things were back then. Except we were getting married at thirteen years old before any of that took place. That means I was supposed to be relying on a man to this whole time. It’s the way things were for decades. So technically I had the right idea with thinking I was going to last forever with the boy I dated in sixth grade. It was just with the wrong people and the wrong time.

I can’t tell you where we went wrong or how we went wrong but I do know the men in my generation stopped following traditions. I’m not sure where things got lost in translation but we need to do better as a whole. Rules and standards were set in place back then for a reason. It made sense. We were thoughtful, chivalrous, respectable, family oriented, builders, and true providers. Then we started breaking the rules. I now understand why people waited and still wait to get married in order to have sex and babies. It sets respect, discipline and boundaries. It’s up to the man willing to be patient and compromise.

Without structure, there is no discipline. Without discipline, there is no structure.

All the good men potentially available are in their late thirties and forties. They already have their own kingdom to run. Whatever that kingdom may consist of. Some of these older men aren’t interested in me either. I’m “too young” for them. I’m not necessarily looking for somebody at the moment, but if I come across my ideal knight in shining armor, I’m never letting him go. That ideal person is probably going to be someone who’s older than me, has morals, and follows some form of structure or tradition.

A lot of the men in my DM’s disgust me as well. All they want from me is sex. They only want to take me out for dinner if I go home with them after. Some of the other men in my DM’s probably have good intentions as well, but I’m just not interested in giving the time or energy to any man right now. We all have a lot of work to do. I’ve already lived my young, wild and free era and also wrote about it. I like to be intellectually pleased now.

Every man out there needs to focus on saving money to buy land and invest in property, even build something and open a business. Get your own place. Even if you somehow have to temporarily work three jobs to come up with the money, just do it. It’s temporary. It’s never too late because I want to do exactly that. Buy and invest in property, open a business. Maybe two. This land is ours. These are the things our ancestors fought for. Property is really important. And so is time.

It sucks because we live in an economy today where people my age are moving back in with their parents, have roommates, have kids, are struggling to pay rent, spent a lot money buying a bunch of materialistic things whether it's in the past or now, spent time engaging in ignorance on social media, spent time NOT utilizing free educational resources or opportunities, not supporting our friends ventures and ideas when we should have, not investing our money in our communities and so much more. It sounds crazy but we should have been buying houses and buying properties with our supportive and reliable friends and family members when we were twenty one. Even earlier. If only we were AWARE, RESPONSIBLE, EDUCATED and MOTIVATED enough. We were too busy focused on living our lives at a young age, going through depression or the waves of life, not taking things seriously, impressing other people, getting caught up in trends and our feelings, etc. Not realizing how bad inflation is now, not seeing the vision. Not setting up the foundation for everyone’s future. Most importantly, some of us weren’t focused on building generational wealth. Which I understand, because like I said, we were young and living life. But now it’s like, where do we go from here? I feel like some of us are lost. Some of us don’t have the proper guidance either. But that’s why being aware is important. Being aware is the first step in taking initiative to want to make a change. Supporting each other in any way we can is also helpful. I am very big on UNITY. BUT, we can’t change the world if we can’t change ourselves. We could have been living our lives now instead. It feels like we are all trying to get rich overnight because it somehow feels too late because everything is expensive. It feels like having a lot of money is the only thing that can save us. We are the only ones who can save us.

All of this doesn’t only go for the men, it can go for everybody. But now I feel like the men really have to step up. I can’t speak for myself because I don’t have a house. I have no investments. That’s because I put a lot of my time, focus and money into the men that I loved. All I have now is a dream, and the motivation and the knowledge to do what it takes to make my dream come true. I’ve always had a dream but I’ve dreamt a lot. I never had a clear vision of what I wanted to do but now I do. I just want to travel the world right now and I will, so yeah moving on folks.

To be a real chivalrous, responsible MAN, you need to be self aware, (self awareness is #1!!) have integrity and respect. Be honest, loyal, genuine, protective, accountable, and emotionally intelligent.

Yeah I’ve dated men, but they weren’t PROVIDERS. You know what I mean?

I don’t want to help a man financially anymore. I don’t want to split dinner. I don’t want to split rent. I still want to provide, and contribute in other ways but I also want to be able to be my true feminine self. I feel like I’m the man sometimes. The man is supposed to be the man of the house. Especially if you own or built the damn house. The man is supposed to be the one working while the woman stays home. In this generation, this only works when both partners have individually or collectively put in the work to be financially stable enough for one person to eventually not work. Now everything has to be 50/50. Regardless a woman needs a man and a man needs a woman. The woman cannot survive on their own anymore, this isn’t how it was supposed to be.

I want to be a housewife with clean hands, have the time to raise and nurture our children properly, cook meals, do laundry, decorate the house, plant a garden, own a farm, save the animals, network with the neighbors, go to community meetings where we can all make a difference, have my own businesses, my own ideas, my own input, and my own money. Whether it be your hard earned money being used, or my hard earned money, it will be used wisely.

If you’re interested in a woman, and you want her to be your woman FOREVER, then YOU have to provide. You have to do the dirty work. You have to work real hard. You have to let the woman actually be the woman that she is. You have to follow your role as a man. A leader. You have to show this woman that her hands can be clean and pretty. She can dress up more. She can live her true way of life of being someone’s woman and being a REAL WOMAN.

People didn’t date back then for no reason. People instantly dated to be together forever. That’s how some of our grandparents and great grandparents are still OR were together for so many decades. They established that structure. To work things out no matter what. Yeah, some of our Grandpa’s and Grandma’s cheated on each other. But guess what? They knew what they signed up for. This is real love and real relationship shit we’re talking about here. I don’t want to go through that now, but they went through it for us.

I’ve had six “serious” relationships that all ended after being together for close to two years. Plus many other flings and smaller relationships in between. I am now twenty six. That’s a lot of years dedicated towards building something that I feel is still so hard to come by now a days.

A healthy relationship, true love, a real family, a home, a foundation, security and stability and a man to be my provider.

Somewhere I can contribute my natural caregiver instincts as a woman and put them to use. Somewhere I can feel appreciated and needed without feeling instantly disposable.

At this time in my life, I don’t consider my time in those past relationships wasted, just lessons learned. The more problems I have, the more solutions I learn. The more things I experience, the wiser I get. I’m a great multitasker but it’s time for me to focus on myself all the way. I never gave myself a chance because I was too busy relying on the wrong and incapable men to be my security and have stability with. But again, it’s never too late for anything.

If you’ve been reading for a while, then you’re aware of my relationship horror stories, my household dynamics and the thoughts that go through my mind. Which led to me being me and creating this blog. If you’re new here, you might want to start from the beginning of all my posts and catch up. If you personally know me, then you may know way more than what I write about.

The majority of these men I dated were assholes, not chivalrous, not loyal, complicated, lost, uncommunicative, nonchalant, manipulating, sex monsters, angry, inconsistent and whatever else you can think of. A lot of these experiences I’ve had with these men, made me want to go about my future relationships differently. I don’t know why I was attracted to such men, but I always told myself they were put in my life for a reason, or I was put in their life for a reason. Almost every break up I had was a really bad one. Whether I was wrong or not, they always try to come back to me. That’s how I know I might be a bitch but I’m not crazy. I’m never asking for too much.

For a long time I couldn’t control my anger so things would clash. Some of the men I’d be dealing with would also have some anger issues. We would constantly find ourselves breaking up and getting back together a thousand times. Trying to find it in ourselves to change and do better. For the last and final break up to be the worst one. For example, my horrible break up in Japan last October that led to me having to come back to the U.S early. This break up was one of the reasons I decided to get rid of everything, pack up everything and go. (Besides my mom kicking me out. You can read about that in my previous posts.)

This situation is a perfect example of the men in my current generation not being the providers anymore. In this relationship, I provided and still ended up getting stranded and paying for a whole new flight back home. This relationship is not the only one where I felt this way as well. My mom also expected men to provide, like my dad. Along with many other households and relationships out there. ANYWAY…

I gave my ex a thousand dollars for my multi city round trip flight. The trip was Thailand for two weeks, Vietnam for four days, and three weeks in Japan, then back home. I sent him seven hundred dollars one time when he asked. Three hundred another time when he asked. The messed up part is my flight was probably only twelve hundred dollars so he only paid the estimated two hundred dollar remainder. I also paid for several Airbnb’s and hotels throughout Thailand, Vietnam and Japan. Everything felt equal to me. He paid for the excursions, some food or transportation. Sometimes I would do my own spending. Thinking about it now, that was not equal at all.

We had a horrible fight in Kyoto, Japan and it led to things being thrown at each other. We ended up in separate hotel rooms by the end of the night and were officially done with each other. We still had two or three more cities to see in Japan. I had to cancel the rest of the Airbnb’s I booked for us in those cities. He obviously rebooked his own hotels because the rest of the stays were on my account. He had me blocked already and didn’t send me my flight information. The reason why this was so important is because they give you a hard time if you don’t have the actual ticket, email or whatever to prove that you’re actually flying. Even if it shows the information on their screen through my passport, they need to see my ticket. Ironically it already happened to me in Vietnam. I struggled for like fifteen minutes looking for the email to show my ticket. So I already knew Japan was definitely not going to let me fly back home without a ticket, a barcode, an email, or something. My ex was the one who booked it. It was under his email so he refused to send me anything as I said. Even if I wanted to continue my trip without him, I still had to find a cheap replacement flight. The flight just so happened to be a week and a half earlier. The morning of our big fight before it occurred, I sent him three hundred and fifty dollars to take out and exchange for us. He didn’t send me that back either. So by the time I came back to America, I was practically in the negatives. I collected my friends to help me move out of his house, got a U-Haul truck, a storage unit, crashed at my moms house, got kicked out of my mom’s house, to then eventually couch surfed at people’s houses until my plans to travel Asia and the rest of the world for a very long time (GOD WILLING) in a couple of days.

I don’t think any break up should go down the way mine did, but it doesn’t justify his choice to block me and not send me my flight information. A real man would have never been so angry in general. A real man would want me to be safe regardless of the circumstances. A real man would have never done the things that made us argue to begin with. It was my first time in a different country with a broken phone, surviving on Wifi. (I’ve only internationally traveled to Dominican Republic and Canada prior to this) I was using my big ass iPad to get around. You want to be the bigger person sometimes. Whether we have to sit next to each other on that flight or not, whether we have to enjoy the trip separately, you have to decide what kind of person you want to be, what kind of energy you want to put out into the universe. What goes around, comes back around. You are in control. If you decide to have the women you love move in with you, you are now responsible for her. That’s how I see it now.

Ever since that break up, I realized I deserve way better. I realized I cannot react instantly based on my temporary emotions anymore. I have to say nothing and recuperate my thoughts so that I can say the correct and logical things without exploding. Men don’t need to be so hostile and nonchalant either. They also need to control their emotions and just be a man. This could have been avoided.

Women are natural born givers and nurturers. We need to learn to create a safe space for the men in our lives to be able to feel comfortable expressing their emotions without feeling judged or neglected.

In another situation, I was paying my ex five hundred dollars a month in rent, while still planning that month and a half trip to Asia. He was a landlord with two tenants, and a multi business owner. I was working two jobs and hated one of them more than the other so I ended up quitting one of the jobs throughout the planning of our trip. I remember offering him the rent from the start but he didn’t say I didn’t have to pay him. We made this decision to move in together, so I figured I should help.

Now I know, I shouldn’t have paid him rent. All my girl friends tell me I’m crazy.

I would sometimes buy us food or groceries for the house. Sometimes he would buy food and cook for us. I remember I started doing things like finding time before my shift really early in the morning to walk his dogs so he can get extra sleep because I knew he had to wake up early just to take me to work and start his day. Anything I did never felt like it was enough, so I wanted to do more. I felt that he was very helpful to me and took me wherever I wanted to go. At the same time we also always argued because I wanted him to do more even if whatever he felt, and mostly complained about doing, was enough. It wasn’t.

These responsibilities plus many more were things that he was already supposed to be doing as the MAN OF THE HOUSE, THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD. Things he should have thought about before letting me move in. I shouldn’t be rewarding him for that. All these things I did were out of genuine love and natural instincts. My job was to be the best, supportive girlfriend and person I can be and focus on being the great woman of all trades that I am. Most successful men, are successful because of the woman they married. Some aren’t even married, but that lady been there forever, doing what she does best, which might look like nothing at all, but it’s everything!

I just wanted us to really focus on building stability and a foundation so I can be my true feminine self, then build a family. He made me consider having kids and I don’t think I want kids anymore. I change my mind all the time. I don’t have stability, a home, a family or the “perfect dad” to provide for my future kids right now. I’ve gotta chase my dreams, even if it seems like it’s too late.

I remember him telling me I need to focus on myself and the things I want to work on, rather than wanting to hang out with him all the time and help with his businesses. That sounded ridiculous to me. Who says that to their girlfriend? The girl who moved in with you because you told me I am the ideal girl you want to spend the rest of your life with.

If that’s the case, I honestly feel like he shouldn’t have been taking my rent money. He should have been telling me to keep that money for myself. It’s not much but it’s a lot. I could have saved it for our future together, our kids, our plans, my plans. So that I can comfortably focus on my photography, my blog, and my film ideas. Take more care of myself. Find balance. Be at peace. Literally the things I’m learning to focus on now. I haven’t had a job in months and somehow I got much further without a man, with less money, and without trying to focus on helping other people that do not have good intentions for me.

He should have created a safe space for me to be able to feel comfortable enough to think “Okay my man got the house under control. I can take this money to get my nails and feet done every month, get my hair done, and spend time with my girl friends. I can even pay for us to do fun things. I can also put some of this money to the side to buy a new camera like I wanted too, open my own LLC, food truck, coffee shop, etc.”

I had so many dreams.

So many dreams that made my eyes light up every time we spoke about them.

Sometimes I think, he could have helped me make my dreams come true so that he can make his dreams come true. Isn’t that how things are supposed to be?

My only dream now is to be successful at doing the things that make me happy and fulfilled. On my own but with my friends, they just need to continue to be supportive.

Something so small that came across my mind is how I didn’t like getting my nails done anymore because I quit one of my jobs during our relationship. It was costing me one hundred and twenty dollars+ just for my nails, he knew that. I used to get long acrylic nails from a professional nail technician. It made me feel good. Instead, I eventually started painting my own nails and toes to save money, especially since we were planning that trip. But small things like ALWAYS being able to get my hair and nails done in general, would have gone a long way. Even just a regular mani pedi, it’s close to a hundred dollars. That’s a hundred dollars every two weeks or month. A girl likes to feel beautiful. Doing my own nails made me feel beautiful too, but it’s tiring and time consuming because I don’t have every item I need in order to make it faster and easier. I was a barista and an assistant manager running two different food establishments. I used my hands anywhere from ten to fourteen hours a day. Making food, making drinks, smoothies, handling cash, deliveries, paperwork, and more. Everything that comes with running a business, that was me. Except it wasn’t my business. I could have spent my rent money on myself that OR he could have just worked harder to get more money from his businesses. It could have been motivation. His hands weren’t as dirty as mine. I was and still am a very hard worker.

I could have also been more cautious with my spending, and never gave him rent money, but he knew I just wanted to be independent and responsible. While having fun, going on dates, trying new things and traveling. I also take care of my two brothers, pay for their phones and bills, buy them sneakers or clothes, take them places, and make sure they’re straight on the side because I know my mom can’t afford it. She can only afford the roof over their head and the food they eat. I paid my rent with one or two jobs during that relationship and still afforded to be able to take trips, go out and have fun. It’s all about the principle of being a provider and the head of the household.

I paid for my ex’s flight to come with me to Seattle and Vegas. I even paid for our stays in each place. Although he contributed towards a car rental and other things, I constantly felt like no matter what, I wanted to show him I was capable of holding things down. He was the one who needed to do that. I was always worrying about him spending too much money because I wanted to show him a woman can provide as well. I wanted to thank him so much for doing everything he was doing. He had a business to run and a three story house to maintain so I had consideration for those factors But, that cost me too much time and money where I could have been taking more care of myself financially, physically, mentally. He should have never asked me to move in if he couldn’t handle the responsibility of being a man, being a provider.

Looking back now, he was right. I should have been worrying and focusing on myself. We should have never moved in together. My life was decent before I made that decision. We would have gone to Asia regardless but we probably still would have broken up. It wasn’t meant to last because we both have work to do. That trip to Asia showed me who I want to be, and what I want to avoid. It showed me how I lost focus on the dreams and the goals I’ve had for so long. I don’t want to say I shouldn’t have been in a relationship with him, but because of that dark situation, I found the light. I figured out that chivalry really is dead, we knew that already though. I found out men aren't the providers anymore. I figured out what I now look for in a man. I also figured out how badly I truly want to travel the world and chase my dreams.

As I grow older, I now understand those movies I see and customers I’ve had working at coffee shops, where women just hang out at poolsides and cafes all day with their husbands credit card. They’re able to actually be girls and wives. Go shopping, look good, take care of the kids, cook, clean, etc.

There’s these group of ladies that used to come to the coffee shop I worked at everyday. They sip and chat about the things they plan for the community, the drama, plan activities and family vacations with everyone’s kids involved, and plenty more. They’re at home business women. I want to be able to spend more time doing things like that. Being more involved in smaller important things. So that one day I can tell my husband he doesn’t have to work so hard anymore and he can focus on whatever he wants to do, because since he let me spend time figuring out what I want to do and helping out behind the scenes, now we can both do whatever we want to do. But let’s not forget, we have to put in that work in order for that to be possible.

Women are the backbone of every successful man. The man just has to provide a safe space to be able to accomplish those things needed to create an empire. That’s literally it. Back then, men used to build the houses for them to live in and provided an actual roof for their family using the natural resources from the ground. We are now living in, renting and buying those same houses these men built for their families or for other families. Yes it might be harder to actually build now, but it’s in your natural instincts to build. As I said earlier, we need to buy land and just build. This is our land. Land is also cheaper than buying or renting. Collect all of your friends and start building. Find some resources, get a team. Then once you have your home, your business or both, the right woman will find you to provide for you as well. Not bring you down.

I want to mention here that New York will never be the same. The New York that I love is not the New York that we have now. So it feels like perfect timing for me to move on from this place I once called home. I thought I was going to live in New York forever. I wanted a Penthouse in one of the tallest buildings in New York City with my man and my cats. Sadly, things change. I don’t think I want that anymore. I want other things.

I hope you understand where I’m coming from. Thanks for reading. I look forward to beautiful things being accomplished. Let’s focus on building things with our supportive friends and family members. Let’s focus on saving our money, and investing our money. Unite with those supportive people you have and draw up that blueprint.

I love ya’ll <3